Hi guys, this is not me giving relationship advice. All I can tell you is what worked for me based on my situation. Sometimes in relationships, we can become so engrossed in them that we often overlook and play down things that hurt us and negatively affect the relationship and more importantly ourselves.
Once you’ve genuinely given and done all you can sometimes there comes a time in the relationship where you just have to let go for your own sanity and well-being. Change can be scary but sometimes based on the situation it is necessary.
Do you know the feeling of frustration you can get from loving someone so much that no matter how bad they treat you – you love them anyway? They disappoint you time and time again. You love them still. They hurt you in ways that no one who truly loves another human being should – and we make excuses for them and love them anyway. You love them so much that it drains you emotionally and physically.
The people around you don’t understand what you see in this person sometimes but you know what and how you feel. Their judgements don’t sway you because you are in love. However, as the emotional load you carry starts accumulating it begins to weigh you down. You are ignoring your own needs because all you do is try to make this person happy at the sacrifice of your own happiness.
I have been there and when you’re in it – it does not feel like you’re doing anything wrong. In fact, it feels like you’re doing everything right. Just what a person in a relationship is supposed to do compromise and be flexible. After all, no relationship is perfect. However, all your efforts always seem not enough. You guys can’t seem to stay happy long enough before there is something new or old to argue about. It feels as though he or she does it on purpose sometimes just to pick a fight.
You are always arguing and everything seems to always be your fault as they seldom take responsibility for any failures within the relationship. While in my relationship, I honestly never thought anything was wrong with it. I loved him and I honestly believed that he loved me at least that’s what he would say but his actions sometimes did not match his words.
Denial kept me in a false reality for so long that when I eventually woke up I was so angry with myself. I thought if I loved him enough he would do right by me and that things would get better but it didn’t. He convinced me and I convinced myself that we could work through our issues and emerge the successful couple everyone or rather most people thought we were. I comprised and comprised more than I should have.
I soon realized that loving him was not enough. It was eating me alive. The hurt and pain just kept compounding. Was it really my job to make him happy and keep him happy? Enough was enough and eventually the time came when I had to decide for myself – to love myself as much as if not more than I had loved him. It was time to do what was best for me.
I later learnt that it was not my job to make him happy and that he had his own issues he needed to deal with if he was ever to be truly happy. I had my own issues to address if I was ever to have a healthy relationship going forward.
You see me loving him despite his mistakes and poor decisions didn’t make him a better person; it didn’t make him stop doing or saying things that hurt me. If nothing else, it gave him the permission to continue with his poor choices as he knew I would forgive him and try to work it out. He took me and my love for granted. Love was not enough to save my relationship. It took a rational view of what was really going on for me to see that I was losing myself in that relationship. It had become toxic.
I am all for working on relationships but it is not a one person job because it takes two. To love and be loved is a beautiful thing but we must never lose sight of the importance of loving ourselves. Any relationship that is taking more than its giving is one you should review. When you are loved you should see it and feel it. Your partner’s actions and words should match up.
I am in a much happier and healthier place in my life and I’m proud of myself for making the tough decision to move forward. It was not easy but I am glad I did. I know it can be difficult to walk away from someone you love but there are times for your own well-being it is necessary. Do what is best for YOU! You owe that to yourself.
Some say they feel something and yet, others feel nothing
Isn’t that strange, why is it, only a few change?
What’s the difference? Some took ACTION
The rest with no traction, stayed stuck in the muck
Any progress made, just left there to fade
Still chilling with their crew, who often have nothing good to do
One step forward, two steps back
Angry with the world for what’s left of their soul
If you’re not getting traction, it’s TIME to TAKE ACTION
Please don’t sit there trying to refute
What we both know, is the undeniable truth
You’ve lost your way and I’m saying, it’s okay
It’s the dawn of a new day and you WILL find you way
For as you change your disposition
You will create a new position
One full of hope, strength and truth
Come one, come all and pay tribute
To new beginnings
By: Cherylene Nicholas
Message: Simply saying positive things is not going to fix your problems. For real and lasting change to take place in our lives we have to take action, make changes in our thinking, behaviour and sometimes in our friends (removing any negative people). If we can do this, then the real transformation can start.
What is a ‘toxic’ relationship? For me, a toxic relationship can be described as any relationship that is constantly filled with negativity that makes you question or play down your self worth. Any relationship where you feel like you have no voice or say in your own life. One where your thoughts and needs are not up for consideration. This type of relationship is often a breathing ground for constant anger, sadness, depression and resentment. If there is any joy or happiness it is often short lived and for some reason can never really last for any meaningful length of time. It is not gender specific as there are some good men out there in toxic relationships too. This is an article for anyone out there in a toxic relationship.
I have been there and I’ve seen more toxic relationships than I care to count. Looking back on my own experience I can honestly say, that I never thought my relationship was bad or ‘toxic’, just that we had some issues to work on. I did not realize the damage I was causing myself psychologically and emotionally.
Here are some of the observations I made looking back not only on my own experience but some other relationships I saw around me.
1. Always made to feel as though you are never good enough.
2. Sometimes discouraged from spending time with friends and family.
3. Always made to feel paranoid about any negative observations – even when your suspicions turn out to be true.
4. Always made to feel as though any problems the relationship has is your fault.
5. Your partner may be very secretive and not forthcoming about his or her affairs but would inquire about every detail in your life.
6. Your partner frequently apologizes for hurting your feelings but would do the same stuff over and over. This applies to physical, emotional and psychological abuse.
7. Try to numb yourself emotionally. Trying to not let the things he or she does affect how you feel but we both know that does not really work because now you’re just beating up yourself internally rather than externally making a scene.
8. Withdraw from your friends and family because they sometimes share things about your relationship that you just don’t want to hear.
9. Make tons of excuses for their behaviour.
10. Blame yourself. “Maybe if I didn’t do this or say that…” ; “Maybe if I would dress more like this …” ; “Maybe I am too sensitive or making too much of a deal about it.”
11. Always looking for ways to make them happy even though they aren’t reciprocating.
12. You are always the person making the comprises.
13. Often try to use your insecurities to control you or even create insecurities. Example: “A woman like you, should feel lucky to be with someone like me.” or “A man like you, should feel blessed to be with a woman like me.” People who truly care about you would always try to lift you up not break youdown.
14. Extra moody and snapping at other people for little things rather than dealing with the real issue that is bothering you.
15. You feel drained emotionally and physically sometimes. This is because the work of constantly trying to fix yourself or the relationship is always on your mind.
I have only listed 15 signs of a toxic relationship but please note that there are other signs that the relationship you may be in, is unhealthy for you. I honestly believe that deep down we know that the situation we find ourselves in may be hurting rather than helping us.
If you are reading this and find that you can relate to any or all of these feelings or experiences, then my friend it is time to say, “ENOUGH IS ENOUGH”. This situation that you have called “home” all these years or months is not what a healthy and loving relationship should be like. I know and understand how scary the thought of having to find someone else seems, but that’s the problem – don’t focus on finding a replacement, focus on finding YOURSELF. Only then would you be truly ready for a real relationship.
I pray that you find the courage and strength to TAKE ACTION and TAKE BACK CONTROL OF YOUR LIFE. YOU are AWESOME and YOU DESERVE BETTER!! The only happiness you should be concerned with at this point is YOUR OWN.